Out of the Hellmouth... into Hell!
by Angel Sacrifice
Summary: BtVS/Neighbours crossover. Insulting to neighbours in a humourous way (unless you're a big fan, I suppose). BtVS people are sucked into Ramsey Street. Quelle horreur.


A/N: I have nothing against the country of Australia. I mean no offence by my casual reinforcing of certain stereotypes that might apply to Australians. This is *nothing* to do with disliking Australians, it is just to do with disliking "Neighbours". Look at it from my point of view - it's on every day when I get back from school, my sister insists on watching it all the time, and I do not like it. Seeing as murder is still illegal, I thought I'd take out those "someone must die" urges in Fiction. Enjoy!  
  
**PLEASE NOTE – PROBABLY BETTER *NOT* TO READ THIS IF YOU LOVE NEIGHBOURS!**  
  
  
  
1 Out of the Hellmouth... into Hell  
  
  
  
The orb in the box that Giles opened was yellowish golden, with a bright blue N shining in the middle of it. It looked... well, tacky, if he was honest. But apparently it had great power. Curious... he reached to pick up the orb and get a better look at it, but as his fingers made contact to the glass, he was suddenly sucked through a portal. Damn, now he remembered why touching mysterious magical objects was a bad idea...  
  
"Giles?" Buffy walked through from the back room of the Magic Shop where she had been training. Where was he? And what was this weird yellow glass ball? She reached out to pick it up...  
  
Willow and Tara blinked as Buffy suddenly vanished before their eyes, as they walked in the door. What was going on here?  
  
"Hey Willow, have you ever seen this before?" Tara asked, pointing at the orb. Willow shrugged. Tara's hand still in her own, she ran a finger casually over the glass, and they were both promptly sucked into oblivion.  
  
"Yo, G-man!" The voice at the door called. But noone was there. Hadn't he just seen both Willow and Tara walk in? Strange. Oh well, hey look – a cool little yellow and blue N ball. He didn't know what it was but... his fingers touched and he was all of a sudden drawn into oblivion.  
  
Early evening, the sun had set, and Riley was stalking the two vampires. He suddenly caught them by surprise when they paused for a second by the doors.  
  
"Prepare to eat electrons, HSTs!" he shouted at them, before firing the electron gun. They neatly jumped out of the way, and then the female pushed Riley through the hole in the door he'd just created.  
  
"Silly boy. Now you shall be the one to meet death."  
  
"Yeah, bad move, Captain America." Spike smirked, as he put an arm around his one true love, Drusilla. In anger, Riley grabbed Spike and pushed him back against the desk, where he hit the mysterious orb with his back and all three of them disappeared.  
  
  
  
"G'day mate." said someone with sunglasses on and a distinctly orange looking tan. "Just stepped through that portal, eh?"  
  
"Well... yes." Giles said. "May I ask where exactly I am?"  
  
"Ramsey street." The man said. "Be seeing you mate, but I gotta go for my dinner. The name's Lou, call round my place sometime." Lou winked. Giles frowned deeply at that.  
  
"Why would I... excuse me, but is that meant to be a... pick up line?" He was indeed shocked. Lou looked shocked too.  
  
"No, of course not!" he exclaimed. "Nothing like that could *ever* happen around here! Streuth, its Ramsey street after all..."  
  
"Oh, ok." Giles looked suspicious. Things like that could happen anywhere surely? Lou walked away. Suddenly Buffy appeared beside him.  
  
"Giles... where are we?" she asked, looking around the sunny streets wide- eyed.  
  
"I don't know, Buffy, but I have a *very* bad feeling about this place." He shuddered involuntarily. The two of them walked down one of the streets.  
  
  
  
*Whoosh* Willow and Tara fell into the school grounds, hand in hand. "Erinsburgh High" the sign said. A tall woman with dark hair stared at them.  
  
"What is the meaning of this?!" she demanded. Willow ran her free hand nervously through her hair.  
  
"Well, the reason I just kind of appeared out of nowhere is... an um odd weather condition. We were..."  
  
"I didn't mean that." The woman said. "Would you kindly explain why your hand is in the hand of another female?" Tara looked at Willow, mouth agape with shock at this lack of understanding.  
  
"She's my lover." Willow said, chin out, defiantly.  
  
"Ah, your long lost sister, well that explains it, better be on your way to class now."  
  
"But I didn't say..."  
  
"Yes. You. Did."  
  
"Who are you?" asked Tara, frowning in disbelief.  
  
"I'm Susan Kennedy, your head teacher, now get to class."  
  
"We don't go to school here," Willow said. "Plus, look, everyone's leaving."  
  
"School must be over." Tara agreed.  
  
"It appears you are right." Susan said. "Goodbye." She walked away into nothingness.  
  
"That... was weird." said Tara, looking at Willow.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
  
  
Xander looked around. He seemed to have been zapped into some kind of restaurant. It was full of people, walking back and forth. He let out a slight sigh of relief that at least the people here were human... or appeared to be, anyway, although there was something vaguely unsettling about the whole place.  
  
"Excuse me, could you tell me where I..." The couple he had addressed just blankly walked out of the door. Strange. He went up to the counter.  
  
"You don't talk to *them* the woman quietly muttered. "The extras don't say anything."  
  
"Oh." Xander said. "Can you tell me where I am?"  
  
"Ramsey street." she told him. "What's your name, sonny?"  
  
"Erm... you don't want to know how I mysteriously appeared in the middle of your restaurant?" Xander asked. Not that he could think of an acceptable explanation, of course, and he mentally kicked himself.  
  
"Nope."  
  
"O...kay." Xander said. "Well, I'm Xander."  
  
"What'll it be, Xander?"  
  
"I... I just wanted to know where I was, thanks." he replied. "I'll be on my way now."  
  
"Sure thing, see ya around kiddo!"  
  
  
  
The sun was setting. And it was taking it's bloody time, too. Spike had been stuck hiding under this bridge for hours with Dru, and they were both getting hungry. Finally, it seemed that the sun was down and the night had begun.  
  
"Ok, I think its safe to go out now Dru."  
  
"I'm glad Spike." Drusilla said. "I'm hungry..."  
  
"This place is full of humans, ripe for the picking," Spike told her, feeling his own stomach clenching in hunger, "they're warm, and soft, and full of tasty red -"  
  
"G'day mate!" called a chirpy voice beside them. Spike and Drusilla both turned towards him, grinning maniacally. The man seemed unfazed, as this was a usual facial expression in these parts.  
  
"Hey." said Spike, and looked towards him with malicious intent. As he did this, he heard to his surprise, ominous music coming from nowhere. A guitar and a high-pitched keyboard note. What the hell?  
  
"Ohhh... you're a bad guy, aren't you?" the man whispered almost silently. "How's it going mate?" he said more loudly.  
  
"It's going fine." Spike replied. "And yes, I am in fact the big bad. Part of the scourge of Europe, master vampire, slayer of slayers..." The ominous music grew. "What *is* that music?"  
  
"Danger music." said the man, quietly. "Stop asking these things so loudly, we're not supposed to mention them."  
  
"Okay... but tell me just one thing. Why does it play this music?"  
  
"Just now its the danger music, because you're a bad guy and you have evil plots." The man whispered. "So, new to Ramsey street are you? Where about's you staying? I'm Joel by the way." He carried on as if none of Spike's words had had an effect. Spike shrugged, and with a single blow, broke the man's neck. A piano played a few low-note minor chords.  
  
"Hey, how about that, Dru?" Spike said, picking up the body. "I can kill people here." He bit into the man's neck and drank cheerfully for a few minutes, and Dru bit into his wrist and shared the blood.  
  
"Ah… this is a place I could *really* get to like." Spike commented, as they dropped the body and walked off into the moonlight. 


End file.
